The subsequent Pregnancy pt. 2

April 16, 2010
I'm so scared.

Every twinge, every cramp.
I'm sure it's the end.

Last Friday I went on to base and had a blood test.
I was confident it would come back negative.

It did not, in fact. I was honestly surprised when they called to tell me it was positive and congratulations.

Every hour I go through without throwing up or feeling like death I am convinced it's all over. I am such a mess.

I was supposed to see my midwife Wednesday, but Tricare being the super quick, well oiled machine that they are, told me that my referral hadn't gone through yet.
So I had to cancel, and then Thursday morning I got a letter saying my referral was active as of the 12th.

So now I'm going next Tuesday and I am really anxious and nervous. I am figuratively holding my breath. I am fully expecting her to start the ultrasound and find nothing. Or a dead baby.

I wonder if I'll ever get over that?
Probably not.

Ben told me the other night he doesn't think that he'll sleep a wink through this entire pregnancy.
I guess it's nice to know I'm not the only one who's completely freaked out.

Oh how I wish I had my ignorance.

April 21, 2010
Update

Yesterday morning I woke up and felt horrible.
My feet and hands were gray.

But I had my first midwife appt at 10, so I got in the shower, and passed out.
The night before I had passed out too, in the bathroom. I was so sick Monday.

I spent 3 hours hooked up to an IV being rehydrated.

My appt went well, baby looks good. I can't even tell you what a huge relief it was to see that there is a healthy, growing baby in there. With a good, strong heartbeat.
I had spent so much time preparing myself for the worst, I was honestly surprised when it wasn't the worst.

I'm a little farther along than I thought, 8 weeks 3 days. Putting me due November 28.

May 5, 2010
10 weeks, 9 months

I haven't gained any weight, in fact I've lost 4 lbs.
But my belly has sort of rounded out, making my normal jeans uncomfortable. So fat jeans it is!

I'm still sick for the most part. But hoping that it's coming to an end.
I don't go see my mw again until the end of the month and I'm sort of regretting that choice. She is going on vacation the week I would see her, so I opted for the next week.

I am always giving myself too much credit. Turns out I'm sort of a basket case.


Today marks 9 months since the day I delivered Lucy.
I don't consider it the day she died, as morbid as it may seem. Because she was dead on the 4th, and potentially died in the night on the 3rd. We don't know for sure.
She has been gone as long as she was here.
It's strange and unbelievable, yet at the same time it feels like an eternity has passed since I held her.
I always spend the 4th and 5th of each month reliving the moments. I was waking up...I was laying on the swing...I was waiting at my midwife's office...we were telling the kids....I was being induced.
The 5th mostly consists of "I was holding Lucy...."
One of my vivid memories of that day, is just wishing that everyone would leave so Ben and I could be alone.
I wake up every morning missing her, and go to bed each night missing her. But my pain has changed into something I accept and appreciate. I never want to stop missing her.

May 11, 2010
Stress

I ordered a doppler today and I paid extra to get it tomorrow.
That's how psychotic I am.

I'm so incredibly paranoid.
I don't remember if I've talked about the nightmares here, but suffice it to say I've been plagued with nightmares ever since Lucy died and the last few nights they have been unrelenting, gruesome, vivid nightmares.
It sucks.

May 12, 2010

My doppler got here about an hour ago.
I haven't opened the box. Kyler excitedly brought the box to me and all I've been able to do is sit here next to it and cry.